Feeling Too Full... And What is Enough?


This afternoon I was preparing for having some people over, so I was tidying up. There were some purchases from the store to put away, so I carried them to the bathroom and put them right where they belong (happy organization systems!).

... But they wouldn't fit.

Not because they didn't have a home, but because their home was already full -- aside from the toiletries in use, I already had extra in the cabinet. Lo and behold, I had just purchased more of the very thing that I already had more than enough of. The moisturizer that lasts at least a month? One open, now three extras. The refill of the facial soap I love, which lasts me probably close to a year? Now I had 2.

Extras so lovely and seemingly innocent...


I sighed, (took some pictures), tried unsuccessfully to put it all back again, and finally just sat down on the floor and tried the breathing and meditating practice I posted about recently to understand my connection to this clutter. My mind chattered on about all the possible meanings I could attribute to this; meanwhile, I breathed into the various parts of my body. My throat, particularly-- I was feeling like I'd eaten too much. Full in the throat, and tight in the jaw as I could feel myself getting caught up in it. That same weird "full-but-kind-of-nauseous" feeling I remember from pregnancy with the little guy.

Extras... Too full... I want to "think ahead", "be prepared." It's a sign of not having faith that what I need will show up when I need it, feeling instead like I have to have it under control. Buying more things when on sale because "it's a deal", thinking "then I'll be ahead". Building walls to my fortress to protect me from what might come.

From an astrological perspective, the throat is ruled by the sign of Taurus, which is my rising sign (Ascendant) and home to my natal Chiron. Taurus also rules the astrological 2nd house, related to our outer and inner resources and our values -- our "stuff". As Melanie Reinhart states in Chiron and the Healing Journey, "With Chiron in Taurus… we never quite feel solid and safe, and may therefore attach great importance to material possessions" (p. 107). She continues, "Insecurity within the material realm is often the underlying reason for why people inappropriately or prematurely make things solid and literal" (p. 110). This planetary placement, then, predisposes me to put meaning in something physical -- to create and collect clutter -- as a means of safety.

However, coming back to this question again after several hours, I still have that sense of fullness in the throat (right where I swallow), but at the same time, my stomach feels so hungry -- literally.

There is something I missed before... The thought arose: "I am externalizing my hunger."

The truth of my daily life is a balance between keeping up with the activities (planned and otherwise) of my preschooler Bean and now-toddler Truck and trying to keep everyone fed, fairly clean, and well-rested. Feeding my children is high on the list, but feeding myself is an after-thought (hello, natal Libra Moon). It is seemingly much easier to pick up a few more items off the shelves in the grocery store (while kids are contained in the cart or engaged with the happenings and sights around them) than to spend the hours cooking the meals I love to cook. And trying to feed myself while coaxing and coercing Bean to eat and alternately shoveling food into Truck or defending against it being swiped to the floor (or chasing after the spoon, sippy cup, whatever he has knocked off the tray)? Whew, are you kidding me?

So yes, it makes sense that I'm underfed... but so interesting that my subconscious has come up with this other way of trying to solve the problem.


Going back to the connection of my throat and Chiron in Taurus, author Melanie Reinhart brings it home:

"If you have this placement, healing often comes through learning to trust the instinctual wisdom of your body. As far as possible, learn to listen to it: eat what your body tells you, and sleep when you need to… Initially, you may feel that physicality, the body and the material world are your enemies, and you therefore may spend your energy trying to ward off, control and dominate them. The lesson of this placement may be one of learning to befriend these realms" (p.108).

 - MS ;)



Hey... anyone know about why we sense fullness (satiety) in the throat? When you're full, where do you sense it? (I've been able to find explanations of the physiological process for hunger and satiety, but I've not yet found something that explains specifically how it is felt in any particular part of the body - the nerve connection.)